This year, I’m going to say a lot more about what’s happening in my brain. I think I have to.
The internet collectively shrugs: “Okay, Grady.”
I’m a writer who feels this deep, deep need to express myself, but I usually stay quiet because I think I’m vain and needy for attention, and I don’t want to indulge my urge to get some.
Despite my expressiveness, I’ve become much more timid about articulating my convictions ever since 2014, when, on this very blog, I ended up destroying my entire world and pissing off a few people. (I’m being cryptic on purpose here.) I’d never really been reviled before, and, suddenly, I was. Here’s a melodramatic painting I made once to express how I was feeling:
Well, I’ve spent almost four years figuring out what the hell happened and why it hurt me so much, and whether I’m just a misguided loon of a man, and I think I’m finally getting over my own bullshit.
I’m learning how to be honest. I’m realizing that getting hurt was a blessing. I’m accepting that people aren’t sitting on the edge of their seats to know what I think. I’m embracing the fact that this world is not a tawdry little theatre in which I’m the star. I can do what I want and say what I want. At the very least, I can think what I want. And the world will keep spinning.
I used to be insecure and couldn’t handle being disliked by a few people on the internet, and, honestly, that neuroticism will probably always be a part of me. But, when I’m feeling sane, I remember that nobody is thinking about me right now, and I let out a big sigh of relief.
So, here’s to a new year filled with new words and less overthinking.
Your short-lived blog in 2014 was a tsunami of honesty, Grady; it didn’t last long, but I found it powerful and cathartic. I’m very hopeful and grateful about your return to this form of writing.
Patrick
1. i’m so sorry for the pain you experienced over what you shared. it makes me sad to think of how common it is for people to be hateful online in ways they hopefully wouldn’t be in person. i’m sorry you went through that– only imagining the abuse and vitriol directed at you– i’m sorry.
2. i’m glad that you feel like you’ve grown from the experience and that it was somehow a blessing. that’s not how the #soblessed crowd uses that word, that’s for sure!
3. i’m really, truly glad that you are returning to this blog and to
sharing your writing publicly! obviously i’m a stranger, but when i read your blogs four years ago they were *so* refreshing to me. you were saying things that echoed conversations i’d had so many times with dear friends– people who felt so alone. and your words just made it so clear that as lonely as the experience was, they weren’t alone in it. one friend and i have continued to think about you every so often and wonder how you’re doing (hoping you are doing great). that’s how impactful your story was. i wish more people were able to share the way that you did– i think it was courageous even if you couldn’t have known how painful it would be.
4. i’m going to stop rambling, but basically– thank you. thank you from a stranger. wherever you are in your personal journey, in relationships, in community, in faith, in career, in finances, in health… please know you aren’t alone and your voice is valued by some strangers! strangers who not only don’t revile you, we are grateful that you exist and better for having read your words. THANK YOU.
here’s to a new, better year.
I want to encourage you to write about yourself, Grady. Yes, be honest about what’s going on in your head; however, be careful and discerning. I’m feeling protective of you and I don’t want you to get badly hurt like last time.
I’m sorry if I’m ruining a moment of sanity, Grady, but I was just thinking about you.
One day in 2014, I took to the internet to see if there was anyone else who shared my convictions under the same circumstances. Not many were writing about it, but I found your blog. Four years later, I found myself wondering how you are and came back. I’m not writing to suggest that you revisit the same topic. Rather, after reading this recent post, I simply feel compelled to leave you a note: Thank you. I understand there was negative fallout, but you had a lasting positive impact on me. And if it’s meaningful to you these days: Stand firm.
On the edge of my seat… (just kidding)…
I’ve only discovered you tonight so I have no idea what happened before. But I’m sure enthralled with you now. I am in the music business peripherally and have to listen to a LOT of music myself. Stumbled upon your videos and now I’m just going to have to go back and watch all 67 and go read all your blog. You are obviously smart (because you say things I have thought!) and articulate. And you are exposing me to songs on the albums I haven’t heard and to new artists. Thank you!
I’m late to the game. But you are brave, strong, and worthy! Don’t diminish yourself and what you have to share with the world…you ARE wirthy.